[A creepy cackle is audible over static. Gradually, the image FADES IN on Billy the Puppet.]
Hello, YouTube. It's me, Jigsaw. But for once, I don't want to play a game; instead, I'd like to address the recent controversy. Yes, I am aware that my past actions have come under scrutiny; I’ve seen #KancelKramer trending on Twitter. I can confirm that the accusations are true: I did previously select candidates for "redemption" on the basis of such flimsy criteria as drug addiction, excessive smoking, and intrusive suicidal ideation. To be absolutely clear, I no longer stand by these choices; they were the result of ignorance and naïveté. My good friend Amanda has been educating me, and I’m trying to distance myself from my former toxicity. In the future, my traps will be reserved exclusively for really evil people—like con artists, corrupt cops, and greedy claims adjusters.
While I don’t expect forgiveness, I humbly request patience; I am still learning, and I sincerely intend to improve my behavior. After all, personal growth is no game.
[Cue the usual Saw ending theme as the screen FADES TO BLACK.]