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Dario Argento's Guide to Being a Giallo Protagonist

  1. Be a foreigner with very few friends in town.

  2. Stumble across a violent crime in progress.

  3. Immediately touch everything as you fruitlessly attempt to rescue the victim, contaminating the evidence and implicating yourself.

  4. Behave as suspiciously as possible during the ensuing police investigation; be particularly belligerent and standoffish during your interactions with the affable lead detective.

  5. Independently unravel the mystery and unmask the real killer through sheer dumb luck.

  6. Make sweet love to the gorgeous gal that supported your efforts to clear your name (assuming she wasn’t secretly the psychotic murderer all along, of course).

[Originally written February 1, 2020.]

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